Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
