He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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