I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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