I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
