Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
