I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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