According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
