I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I want her autograph on my taint
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
