You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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