according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
