You're my little dorito
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
