Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
