You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
