My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
