my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
