I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize