You smell like a Billy Joel song
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize