just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
