Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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