Your face is a jimmy john
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
