worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
