Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
