When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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