I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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