Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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