I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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