Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
one might say we're banned from that church
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
