Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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