The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
