why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
