Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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