So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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