My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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