I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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