Sponge bath it is.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
