Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Someone signed my nipple.
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