you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
