you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize