Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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