dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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