the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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