i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
