thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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