can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
