the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
