Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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