oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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