Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
