Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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