I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
