my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
