Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
