you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
