i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
