dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
