In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
