I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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