I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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