You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
