I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
