Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
