His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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