**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
