real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
