I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
