Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
