Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
