if i can run in heels then i can drive
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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