sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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