I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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