the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
