Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
