I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize