I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
