and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
