How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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