my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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